Losing you: Her Story

 

Constantly looking for sunlight
While treading in oil
Somebody plant me in soil
I need a rebirth
                                  -Se

“My love” she calls me. Something about those big beautiful eyes that just pulls me in. I see warmth behind them, I just want to get in. Behind the warmth I see the pain; the pain I feel often but wouldn’t dare to show. I can get lost in the stories your eyes tell, I just miss you so much.

“NINI! NINI! My love what have you done?! What have you taken?! What is this?!! Nini! Wake up, wake up what did you do? Why! Why! Why would you do this?” From the moment I opened the door time froze. I can still vividly freeze the frame in my mind to finding you laid out next to the letters of goodbyes with my promise ring on top. A mixture of empty pill bottles and an empty bottle of liquor. You said you wouldn’t do this to me, you said you wouldn’t leave me alone. “We are all we have, what happened to that?” She didn’t even give me the choice to say goodbye, the choice to leave this messed up world together! What the hell! She even took her ring off! She planned this!

We have to go! Call the ambulance, Se just call! No forget that, get her in the car now and go! Time was no longer frozen but moving 1,000 miles a minute. The ER is that way so don’t crash!
“What’s her name? What happened to her?” The nurse asked. “T……. Turner and I don’t know.” “Who is she to you?” “Ummmm” (I never know how to answer these questions). “She took something, she took a lot, idk just help her!” At that moment I needed an adult, but how do I call and utter these words as I check my phone to see all the missed calls not knowing that she had already sent goodbyes to her loved ones… but not me. Maybe she didn’t want to say goodbye, maybe she knew I would stop her. This isn’t love, is it? Would someone who loved you try to leave you? Not even say bye? I wish she could have answered these questions for me. What if she doesn’t wake up from this? Look at her.. I can’t.. Look! “Nini, my love I love you.” I don’t think she hears me. And a part of me though that she was no longer someone I would know. Se you have to call someone. “Ma’am we will take her from here, but you can come back in the morning.” “No, I’ll stay right here thank you!” “Ok, how about you just go get her some clothes and come back in a few”. After all that transpired there, she wants me to go back to that house? Yeah, I don’t think so. I can’t.. I won’t.. But I guess I have no choice.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried this hard in my life, I don’t even know what kind of pain this is. Who can I call and tell this to? Who would even understand? I just needed to call her family. But in my mind I thought they would blame me. I just need to go home, but to me that place was no longer home. “Just go in the house Se! You can’t just keep sitting in this damn car!” my mind kept telling myself. For the first time, I felt what it was like to truly be alone in this world. Damn, this must be what she felt like. I never felt the house so still, so quiet. As I walk in the dark to the third floor I turn the light in our room on, she might as well still have been there as I gasped for breath like she was still laid out waiting for me to find her. Instead I see not only my letter, but several others titled “For Hunni Bunn.. For my siblings.. For my Aunts and Uncle.” And then I see it.. Your ring.. my ring.. our ring. The ring I gave you outside of your grandmother’s house forever vowing to be by your side to fight this battle together. I guess the battle was lost huh? As I sit and read all of your letters, I read what I felt were your last true words to me as a goodbye to the Nini I had loved since the first day we laid eyes on each other at our College orientation. I read everything, all of the letters like they were personally addressed to me. I watch myself sink into my bed in a daze between the visual of white walls and at what could have been our memories. I place her ring around the necklace she gave me. I’ll never take it off, for you will now forever be with me. I could only wonder what I did to get you here. I promise once you come home to me.. If you come home to me, I will never let you feel empty again. I will do whatever I need to show and prove that you aren’t alone. I’m right here waiting for you… Damn I never realized how fast you could have been taken away from me… I just can’t imagine if. This room was no longer bright.. On Wednesday May 22, 2013 I lost my bright light.

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