First I just want to say thank you for this space. I hope that one day more people see this page.
I miss my mom a lot. When I was 19 she hung herself. She was by herself and I was told that she had been there for at least two days before my older brother found her. It has been three years now and I have been struggling to cope with the thought that my mom didn’t want to be here with us. We didn’t even know that she was struggling with her mental health. To me I thought she was going through life just like everyone else, normal ups and downs. I thought she was happy. My brothers seem to be taking it well or hiding their true emotions, but I’m not sure because they won’t even talk about her or the situation. We didn’t have the closest relationship, but it is still hard to accept that she wasn’t comfortable enough to come to us and tell us that she was suicidal. We could have talked to her, got her help, been there for her. I am heartbroken. I think about her everyday. I started therapy to help cope with loosing her, but I struggle to stay consistent in it. At times I get so angry that I say fuck it and then it feels like I am starting over from scratch with my healing. I just want to see her, touch her, talk to her. I want this anger and resentment to go away. I miss her, but I am angry with her. She is going to miss out on so much in me and my brother’s lives. I just want to tell her that I love her, and that I will never forget her. I want her to know that she mattered to me.