“Hey are you sad?”
So consumed in my thoughts, I never even noticed the gentleman slowly wheel his way over to me. Knocking me out of my trance, my cheeks begin to burn from the embarrassment of realizing all eyes were on me… Again. After our group leader made her exit, my fellow patients swarmed me like I was an attraction at a freakshow.
“Honey what are you doing in here? You are too young to be in here. What has you so sad? You don’t like to smile? Why are you crying? You must want to go home huh?”
So many questions at one time had me feeling like I was on a job interview. I’m pretty sure they were going through the same thing I was, so what was with the third degree? All I could do was sit there in hopes that all of these questions would go away. Without responding, I just stare out the window in the room wishing I was on the opposite side of that window. Wishing I could sit on top of the building I was staring at, hold my breath, close my eyes and jump. But no… Here I was sitting at this table getting hit with question after question about why I tried committing suicide by individuals who were sitting in the same room, at the same table, facing the same demons.
“Make sure you get all you can out of this program. If you don’t seek the help you need, I promise you will be back sitting in that same chair… That’s if you survive your second attempt.”
And just like that he gave me a faint smile of pity as if he felt that there was no saving me and slowly wheeled away. Who in the hell was he to tell me about what was to come for me. About my fate. Don’t no one care about this program. I just want to go home.. No.. I just want to disappear.
The Next Day:
“May I please have Ms. Talathia Turner.”
Finally I had a chance to sit and talk to someone with just me. No group. No expressing and spilling my feelings in front of a group of randoms. Now instead of being judged by them, I would only be judged by one.. The only one whose opinion determines how long I stay and when I get to leave…. Great!
“So Ms. Turner, were you intentionally trying to kill yourself? How long have you been suffering with these thoughts? Do you think you will ever harm yourself again? What all did you take? Zyrtec? Aleve? Alcohol? Ummm.. Ms. Turner, you do know that Zyrtec is for allergies? You do know that you couldn’t have overdosed on those right? You seem as though you were just going through a rough time in your life. I honestly feel like you’re not really a threat to yourself. I feel as though you didn’t really want to harm yourself.”
Maybe this doctor wasn’t understanding what I was feeling, but obviously I am in here for a reason. I definitely didn’t take them because I wanted to see what alcohol flavored Zyrtec taste like. To me, this was truly me in despair. My heart was hurting. My mind was all over the place. But hey, who am I to tell a woman who has been in their profession as many years I’ve been alive that she is wrong.
“You know what Doc, I think you’re right. I was just having a bad day. I will be fine. It won’t happen again.”
Again I found myself lying for the sake of someone else. Lying for the approval of someone else. The moment I should have finally said something, like the loser I was feeling, I again did nothing.
“Good Ms. Turner. Well I am still going to prescribe you some medicine, and we will release you in two days. Lets go with Zoloft and see how that goes.”
Umm did she say two days? I don’t have to stay here for weeks? If that’s the case then I most definitely will say what ever she wants to hear so I can go home.
“Thank you Doc. I really appreciate that.”
Walking out of that room felt like the best moment I’ve had all week. Not realizing that me not speaking up damaged me in a way that I could never imagine. Not speaking up only set the wheels in motion for me to be in this same predicament next year. It set me up to be in a more dangerous situation than the one I was in now. For not speaking up, I put my life and my health back in danger. “Ok Ms. Turner, you can go back into the Main room with everyone else. I hope that you feel better, and I will see you again tomorrow to do a follow up.”